https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/the-conspiracy-the-greatest-story-ever-ranted
It was the first book I ever wrote, the third I published. In 1994 at the tender age of fourteen going on fifteen, I was hit with an artistic double-whammy: I read Joseph Heller’s amazing novel Catch-22 and discovered Meat Loaf’s first album Bat out of Hell. I was inspired by these two works, and decided that I would write something just as good.
However, my concept of “good” at the time was outrageously immature – influenced as I was by Blackadder, Monty Python, Kevin Bloody Wilson, and probably a few other comics, I set about writing a “masterpiece”.
It was originally going to be about gay rights. Why? The homophobia at my high school was palpable. I imagined a world wherein the heterosexuals like myself were persecuted and ostracized for being different.
I’m sure I’ve seen something similar once or twice.
I had just turned fifteen physically, but I still had the giggly silliness and childishness of someone half that age. My lofty morality lasted all of half a page, and I found farts, boobs and willies far more fun to write about. I goofed around with all manner of jokes and writing styles, surprising myself with my wit and genius – was I pretentious? That’s an understatement.
I printed this terribly crude work off and gave it to friends, some of whom gave me good feedback, saying they laughed out loud. No, they weren’t all as ridiculously immature as me. There were moments of cleverness in this book… how can I describe it? Like if someone made a rather elaborate mountain out of garbage?
Nevertheless, I think it will make you laugh, dare you read it. It’s spontaneity and wackiness at times lazily degenerates into predictable tackiness and preachy moralizing, surrounded of course by rude jokes. Only a shameless teenager could write such a thing, and that’s part of its charm.
When I eventually sent it away to get published, I spoke to a couple of publishers who just said it was “too rude”. I was disheartened, saddened that I wasn’t going to make it big. I finished it around 1999, it took me five years. I told everyone about it.
After that I hardly touched it. My sister suggested I write for the University weekly magazine, Salient (https://www.salient.org.nz/), so I did. This was in 2008. I contributed in ’08 and ’09. My column was called the “Mindblank” because ... well, you’d need to read it to get it, I think. It made some people laugh, and made others worry (looking back, that was understandable).
At the very end of 2012 I published my first book, AT IT OF TOO TWO TUTU TO 2 IS FOR FORE (YES)∞ THE THE THE NO AN A A OF. This was/is a collection of Salient columns with a new intro, edited, re-edited, deleted, changed, rewritten, worked, re-worked and finally published in a limited print run. I gave a few copies away, I have a few left. There’s three editions of it because I was unsatisfied with the first two, I’m still a little unsatisfied with the third, but oh well.
In February 2016 I published the short horror story collection Betrayals in Entrails online (a year or so later I had physical copies made). I’m very proud of this book, I think there are moments of brilliance in the writing there, and I love the look and feel. The cover is disgusting, it will probably never get on a best-seller list, and that’s perfectly fine. It has the aesthetic of an underground death metal band’s first release. I think the look of the book understates and undersells the writing, and that’s pretty much what I wanted. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed if you read it. I’m reflecting today that I think you could just turn to a random page and find something cool, or at least unusual. I was a such a perfectionist about it.
After this I turned back to The Conspiracy. It had sat around in various computers I’d owned since 1999, sure I’d tinkered with it here and there. I set to work. Could I make this wacky book into something… else? I can remember not knowing what could be done with such a work. It was so perfect in its imperfection, and yes I was attached to it because it was my first attempt at “being a writer”.
Its only real purpose was to make people laugh. Oh, and I suppose to get me super rich and famous and mega-laid and popular. But those more vain and shallow impulses had lessened considerably. By 2016 I had become a lot less obsessed and more realistic. I was OK with never being rich and famous, I had a wonderful life and was quite content just writing because I enjoyed it.
The Conspiracy was published online on the 26th of September, 2016. With a little editing, making some of the worst jokes even worse, and removing the odd thing that was a little drab, adding the odd thing for more silliness, and doing a few other things, putting in some more poos and wees and farts in just the right places and positions, it was ready to publish. Or, as good as such a thing was going to get.
I looked it up to see the date of publication and saw that I’d added the subtitle “The Greatest Book Ever Written” – great to see the pretentiousness was still there, though I’m pretty sure it was tongue-in-cheek by then.
It’s on all manner of online book-buying websites, ebook or physical. I think the first ten or so pages can be read for nothing. And if you search for it, bear in mind you might need to include my name because there are a LOT of books with the title “The Conspiracy” (most of them look very serious). Easier to click the link here or here, or just search for it, or ask me next time you see me at a party or a gig or somewhere. If you’re on facebook, I’m “Guy Armstrong Author Page”.
I sincerely hope anyone reading it gets as much enjoyment as I did from writing it. And I hope people aren’t offended by it, after all… it’s very silly!
If you like my work, feel free to subscribe to this blog, I have no interest in charging for it. If you’d like to support my work, feel free to purchase one of my books online. I began by writing comedy, and have three self-published comedies (one (but I think this is the worst one), two - first chapter free here, and three - the one you just read about), the book on fluoride is my only non-fiction work. I’ve also published one collection of horror stories. Another way to support my work if you’ve already read something of mine, is to leave a review.
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